My Jailbreaking Essay

Discussion in 'iPod touch' started by porky101, Mar 16, 2009.

  1. porky101

    porky101 New Member

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    I was asked in my Expository Writing class at my high school to compose an Argumentative essay. So the topic I came up with was how Apple wants to make jailbreaking illegal. Hopefully you find my essay informative. One of the quotes I used was even from the iPodTouchFans website where I talk about the Cydia Store, and yes you moderators I did use parenthetical citations to show that it was from you guys

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    . LOL, my teacher read my draft and said he had no idea what I was talking about, im just like I know my essay is to technical for you, so will that make my grade lower. He just said that it was good I am targeting my audience and he will have to read up on the issue.

    Attached to the post is the essay for anyone that wants to look at it. Its 5 pages long so I figured I would not copy and paste it in here.

    Attached Files:

  2. Samm

    Samm Member

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    Looks good lol the teacher didnt know what u were on about !!!
  3. nikj14

    nikj14 Active Member

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    The teacher doesn't know. Good, it'll make u seem smarter to everyone if even the teacher asks questions.
  4. jamil_d

    jamil_d Active Member

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    Join some sentences; good essay, but some sentences are like 5-7 words long.
  5. porky101

    porky101 New Member

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    LOL, he already gets confused on like whatever I say.

    Ok, thanks for the input, we just made peer-edits today and I am assuming our final is due sometime next week.
  6. Ruamrudee

    Ruamrudee Member

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  7. -tcq42-

    -tcq42- Active Member

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    Some of the sentence structuring sounds a bit awkward. Try to get straight to the point a little more. This is very evident in the opening paragraph.
  8. spoonforknife

    spoonforknife Retired Moderator

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    Agreed. It sounds very forced.
  9. liammk

    liammk New Member

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    nice work
  10. porky101

    porky101 New Member

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    Ok, ill try to work on being a little more concise, I guess I was just having a little bit of problems providing background information. Being that you saw most of the problems in the introduction paragraph.

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