A Beginners Guide to Trolling Multi-Touch Fans Are you angry about a decision by the moderating team? Did your favorite user get banned, one of your threads get closed, or you just have nothing better to do? Have we got the solution for you! Why waste your precious time hanging out with friends, or enjoying the warm summer weather when you could be making post after post of racist/ vulgar/ or otherwise distasteful comments? If this all sounds like jolly good fun to you read on and learn all you need to know! Step 1- Righteous Indignation The first and most necessary step to trolling is to get worked up over something (some expert trolls don’t even need something to get worked up about, if you work really hard at spamming forums someday that can be you). Feel like trolling but haven’t been provoked? Just take up somebody else’s cause! You only need to pretend to be doing this for a reason for you first couple of posts, and nobody will care once you’re banned so you don’t need to put too much thought into it. What you’re going to need to do is make a couple posts about how indignant you are, and how righteous your indignation is. These threads will probably be closed. That’s because people care so much. Step 2- Feign Apology If you’ve gotten to this step you’ve probably made a couple posts way too honest for the general population of the forum. They just can’t handle the truth. So now you’ll lay low for a couple of days, and pretend to be a good member meanwhile you’re formulating your evil plot. You will leave your mark on this forum forever (or at least until the moderators delete your posts), so you need to have them let down their guard. This crucial step can give you 5, maybe even 10 extra minutes on the forum. Better yet, this gives you something to fall back on after Step 3. Clearly it was your brother/ friend/ pet iguana that did all of the trolling, it couldn’t be you! Look at how reformed you were! Luckily, the moderators have never heard this before, and will likely not only grant you full amnesty but also promote you to a moderator. Step 3- Troll Here it is, the moment you have all been waiting for. What you need to do is log in and immediately post as many disruptive things as you can. There isn’t really much more to do here, because once you’ve reached this step you’re probably way too cool to need my advice anymore. In fact, if you get to this point you’ll be the coolest person in the world. Women will want to be with you, and men will want to be you (or the other way around, trolling is gender neutral). And everybody will want to be your friend, because they’ll know how hardcore you are. Not only did you say bad words, you said them on the internet! Step 4- Cower and Come Back Did you complete step 3? I bet you did. You know how I know you did? Because you’re reading this. As it turns out, most people come back to the forums after trolling because they realize that the forums are actually a pretty cool place as long as some idiots aren’t polluting it. Experts are still unsure why trolls don’t just realize this in the first place and avoid being permanently banned and the pain that comes with constantly and necessarily covering your tracks at all points in time to avoid another ban, but the leading theory is because they’re much too smart for anybody else to understand. Truly wise trolls realize that through the magic of a proxy, they can return to the forums! Not only that, but they somehow manage to be the only one to ever think of that, each and every one of them (another fact unexplainable by modern science). However, what many of them don’t realize is that a single slip will lead to them being banned. A single warning, infraction, or post reminiscent of a banned user’s style will lead to a moderator investigating them, so hopefully they manage to do a super-amazing job of covering their tracks. Hopefully this guide has been helpful for you, and can guide you through the tricky, but glorious task of trolling. If you complete all of these steps completely and carefully you shall live on and be remembered, just like every other troll. You know that one guy that trolled a couple months ago? Yeah, you can be him. So go on young trolls, and achieve your full potential! May your posts be vulgar, and your bans be permanent. Next time: A Beginners Guide to Starting a Revolution Do you want to make a difference? Is the forum leadership incompetent and incapable of running a forum of 450,000 users but catered specifically to you? Start a revolution! Find out just how much of a fuss you can make, what a joke you will become in the eyes of the community, and just how little anybody cares about what you have to say!